


Requiem for A. Harris

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [49]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Fanon Snape, First Time, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 16:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A. Harris, you will be missed.  If only by me...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem for A. Harris

**Season 1…**

**Jeff Davis:**  Harris is kinda evil. He might be the Alpha…JK! He’s just some dude Kate messed with!

**Season 2…**

**Jeff Davis:**  Harris is even  _more_  evil. He must be controlling the kanima…JK! He’s just some dude Matt knows!

**Season 3…**

**Jeff Davis:**  Harris is dead…

…

 **Scott:**  Oh dear! It’s the end of the season, we have been captured by bad guys, are about to be put through unspeakable torture, and I have lost my shirt yet again!

 **Derek:**  Please stop with the exposition. And anyway, we all lost our shirts.

 **Stiles:**  I didn’t lose mine! Or my virginity for that matter. Damn it.

 **Jeff Davis:**  Mua ha ha.

 **Scott:**  Not even in that episode where—?

 **Stiles:**  Nope. It just seemed like it. We actually spent all night talking about their crazy ex.

 **Derek:**  Good. You’re too young to be having sex.

 **Stiles:**  The crazy ex was you…

 **Derek:**  Damn it.

 **Scott:**  Anyway…

 **Stiles:**  We should be trying to get out. Agreed. But how? All our plans have been terrible!

 **Scott:**  To be fair, that’s always been true. And we’ve survived so far.

 **Stiles:**  Yeah. But this time we are really screwed. And again, for me, it won’t be in any sort of fun way.

 **Scott:**  I dunno. I thought I saw Kali eying you up the other—

 **Stiles:**  Not helping. That girl’s toenails creep me out.

 **Derek:**  I agree. Let’s never talk about other Alphas getting all up in—

 **Stiles:**   _Other_  alphas?

 **Derek:**  You know what I mean! Also, can we focus on how we’re tied up, our powers are neutralized, and—

 **Harris:**  *appearing* Not to fear! Harris is here!

 **Scott:**  Yay!

 **Derek:**  Yay!

 **Stiles:**  What?

 **Harris:**  I was only pretending to die at the beginning of the season! Now I am back to save the day!

 **Stiles:**  That makes little to no sense.

 **Harris:**  I had to gain power over my adversaries! Rally my troops! And the best way to do that was to pretend to die. It’s like when Snape had to gain Voldemort’s trust, except that Dumbledore didn’t really die!

 **Derek:**  I’m confused. In this metaphor, are you Snape or Dumbledore?

 **Stiles:**  Definitely Snape.

 **Scott:**  But with better hair.

 **Stiles:**  Fair. But without the sexy voice.

 **Derek:**  You’re one of those people that believes in fanon Snape, aren’t you?

 **Stiles:**  Mhmm!

 **Derek:**  You disgust me.

 **Stiles:**  YOU disgust ME! How can you think that ANY character played by Alan Rickman is not sexy?!?

 **Derek:**  Galaxy Quest.

 **Stiles:**  Fair.

 **Scott:**  Guys. I think this might be a bad time…

**Bad Guy (or Girl. Gender-Neutral Bad Person. Or Not-Person. Um…)**

**Bad:**  Now. I hope you’re ready to die, because…

 **Harris:**  Hello, Big Bad.

**(That. That’s the phrase I was looking for.)**

**Big Bad:**  Harris? But…How?!?

 **Harris:** What you didn’t know when you tried to kill me was that I am immortal!

 **Scott:**  What?

 **Harris:** And a powerful Mage!

 **Derek:**  What?

 **Harris:**  And my full name is Adrian Grizelda Harris IV of the Never Neverland Harris’ and I am therefore Crown Prince of the Unicorns!

 **Stiles:**  Okay, that just sounds made up.

 **Harris:**  And I have returned from the almost-dead to defeat you in the name of all that is Good and Righteous!

 **Stiles:**  …But we’ll just go with it. Yay defeating evil!

 **Harris:**  Now. Do you yield to my might, or do I have to call upon my battle dragons to smite you into a fiery inferno?

 **Big Bad:**  Um. Well…

 **Harris:**  Too late. Dragons, attack!

*a little while later*

 **Scott:**  Thanks!

 **Harris:** Don’t thank me quite yet. That indiscriminate killing of anyone remotely bad - and a few innocent bystanders - was pretty immoral. I mean, I didn’t even help you rescue your friends.

 **Scott:** Derek is getting them.

 **Harris:**  Is he? Well, I’m sure he won’t mess that up at all. ‘Cause he never messes up. At all.

 **Stiles:**  I’m gonna go check on him. Just in case.

 **Scott:**  Good idea.  Don’t get trapped in that magical closet on the way.  I hear you have to have sex to get out…

 **Stiles:**   Mhmm. Derek!  Wait up!

 **Derek:**  I’m waiting!  Also, I’m having trouble getting this door open…

 **Stiles:**  Here. Let me help.

*a loud thud as they get the door open and fall through*

…

 **Stiles:**   SCOTT!  BUDDY!  WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT A MAGICAL CLOSET?

 **Derek:**  ONCE.  JUST ONCE, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A PLAN THAT WORKS.  THAT IS ALL I ASK. WHERE IS THE FUCKING LIGHT SWITCH.

 **Stiles:**  I FOUND IT!

 **Derek:**  THAT IS NOT THE LIGHT SWITCH!

 **Stiles:**  OOPS!

…

 **Harris:**  Anyway.  Back to me. With all my morally questionable actions, what you have to ask yourself is, do you trust the unicorns? Do you even trust that I am a unicorn? I do hate Stiles a lot, and isn’t he a virgin?

 **Scott:**  Hey! Yeah! You should like him!

 **Harris:**  Guess I’ll see you next season…. *cackles maniacally before vanishing in a puff of smoke*

**Season 4…**

**Harris:**  First episode. Feeling pretty good about this whole ‘being the Big Bad’ thing. Better go to class and torture Stiles…

 **Dragon:**  HAHAHA.

…

 **Dragon:**  Oops. Sorry.

 **Harris:**  You fool! You know dragon fire is the only thing that can kill me!

*Harris dies*

**The End.**

…JK. Harris is a Time Lord.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
